This week’s parsha of Vayetze contains much about family relationships and conflict. Jacob, in love with Rachel, is forced by Laban, his uncle, to work the land for seven years to receive her hand in marriage. However, when the time comes for marriage, Jacob is deceived by Laban, who forces him to marry Leah instead. It is only after Jacob agrees to work a further seven years that Laban allows him to marry Rachel, his true love.
This deception by Laban on Jacob is the reason behind the part of the Jewish wedding ceremony called the Bedekin, when the groom visits his bride-to-be just prior to the Chuppah to ensure he is about to marry the correct person before placing the veil across her face. Just after this has taken place, we read the Ketubbah, the marriage contract, in which a husband undertakes to “work for and cherish” his wife. Again the reference to this week’s parsha is clear.
Sadly there remain too many occasions when the veil that is brought down over a woman’s face is one of anger not love, resulting in domestic violence or abuse in all its terrible forms: physical, emotional or psychological.
The International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women – which takes place each year on the 25th November – is an annual reminder that sadly domestic violence still exists in society. It is a shameful act and one which goes against the very premise of our faith which places so much value and importance on the family, the sanctification of the home and on the relationship between husband and wife.
It is a problem one cannot wish away and have a duty and responsibility to do all in our power to tackle. To think that somehow our community is above it all, would be mistaken. That is why I – and our rabbinate as a whole – are so supportive of the work done by Jewish Women’s Aid in this area. The charity provides refuge and resettlement for wives and children who face domestic violence. It runs a confidential helpline staffed by trained volunteers. It offers therapeutic counselling and runs programmes in Jewish schools, educating teenagers about healthy relationships and the dangers when they break down.
In Judaism, the home is a protected, sacred space. That is its beauty. But it brings with it the danger that behaviour that would not be countenanced anywhere else can happen there precisely because of its privacy. Insult, intimidation, the use of force, emotional blackmail and physical violence can happen behind closed doors without anyone else knowing. When it comes to abuse, the home provides the maximum amount of temptation with the maximum amount of opportunity.
That is why Judaism places such emphasis on shalom bayit, peace within the home. It is here that we are tested, here that we learn that love is more than physical passion. Love is respect, consideration, gentleness, the capacity to listen as well as speak, sensitivity, graciousness and the willingness to make sacrifices for one another, as Jacob does for Rachel in this week’s sedra. These are the things that bring the Shekhinah, the Divine Presence, into the home.
Together, as a community, we must not turn a blind eye or deaf ear to the problem of domestic violence. We must not allow someone else to bring a veil of ignorance in front of our faces, covering the realities of the trauma hidden within. We must oppose those who practise it and offer practical support to those who suffer from it. No one should feel the need to suffer alone.
Dear Rabbi Sacks,
My family and I are your fans, we love to read your books and articles, my daughter and I especially enjoyed hearing you at the Northwestern University in Evanston, IL when you visited in spring.
Lately I’ve often been asked by vaious people, some curious and some trying to provoke, questions about the violence in Torah, specifically stoning of an adulteress, punishment young bride who turns out to be not a virgin, etc… And although my children and I explained that 1) the rabbinical courts have not been actually ruling stoning, or death penalty for adultery in Jewish history 2) the rabbi’s of Talmud have spent their entire lifetime interpreting Torah and you cannot just read bits and pieces of text out of the context – my friends and relatives are still not satisfied and say that they cannot accept the language of violence in the original document, and that by observing mitzvoth we are condoning the violence and unhumane punishments, that provide foundation for violence in other religions, such as honor killings of flirting girls etc… The Thanksgiving holiday is coming in two days and I anticipate heated discussions at the extended family table. Appreciate your insight and reccommendations on the topic.
Warm regards,
Diana Maltsman.
Dear Rabbi Sacks,
As someone who has written a book entitled Silence is Deadly: Judaism Confronts Wifebeating (1998), and who has spoken on this topic over the years in London and elsewhere in the UK and the world, I would like to bring to your attention that part of the problem stems from our tradition which allows “castigation”,i.e. corporal punishment to both children and wives for the purpose of “education”. As to shalom bayit, it is a two way street and often the rabbis tell abused women to stay in the home for shalom bayit, rather than help them escape dangerous marriage situations. So on International Violence Day, I think more transparency is necessary about the tradition’s part in perpetuating DV. Kol tuv, Naomi Graetz
Thank you so much for bringing the issue of domestic violence to the forefront. Too often in the Orthodox Jewish community, domestic violence is hushed up or dismissed as someone else’s problem. Rebbiem and community leaders prefer to plug their ears and bury their heads in the sand instead of fully confronting the matter. This results in broken homes and lives. The frum communities must realize that this is not someone else’s problem, stop demonizing the victims, and deal with the matter head on before too many lives are lost.
Dear Rabbi Sacks,
Thank you for raising awareness to the plight of women in our community who suffer violence. We need the whole community in all of Britain to share our goal in bring this ( lifelong torture) to an end. The perpetrators regardless of what position they may hold in our society should be brought to bear the consequences of their acts. Please continue to help them. We need you to voice their suffering.
Thank you.
Naomi Shaw