EDUCATION IS THE KEY TO PARENTHOOD

Jewish Chronicle 9th July 2004

This week’s House of Lords vote to strengthen the law against excessive physical punishment of children is to be welcomed. If upheld by the Commons, parental “reasonable chastisement” will be limited to light smacks. Caning will be forbidden, as will any blow that leads to bodily harm or undue psychological distress.

This is as it should be.

Judaism has a large literature on the relationship between parents and children. The fifth of the Ten Commandments, “honour your father and mother,” adds “so that you may live long in the land.” Strong families create strong societies.

No less important is parental responsibility. Five times in the Torah parents are commanded to teach their children. Education, which includes character-formation, is as much a responsibility of home as of school. That includes discipline and, at times, physical punishment. The Book of Proverbs gave birth to the saying that “he who spares the rod spoils the child.”

Despite this, the rabbis had reservations about physical punishment. The Talmud (Moed Katan 17a) rules that one who hits an adult child (over the age of bar- or batmitzvah) transgresses the command: “You shall not place a stumbling block before the blind.” The concern is that harsh discipline will be counter-productive, provoking the child into retaliation — and thus to yet greater wrong.

Maimonides rules (Mamrim 6:8) that although children are commanded to go to great lengths in honouring their parents, “a father is forbidden to impose too heavy a yoke upon them, to be too exacting with them in matters pertaining to his honour, lest he cause them to stumble. He should forgive them and close his eyes; for a father has the right to forgo the honour due to him.” (Much of the literature concentrates on the father because it is assumed that the mother will be gentler. The word rachamim, “compassion,” comes from rechem, meaning “a womb.”)

Causing psychological distress is also forbidden. “A man should not threaten a child even with as little a thing as boxing his ears. He should smack him immediately or say nothing.” The tractate of Semachot contains several tragic stories of children driven to despair by parental threats.

In Judaism, parenthood is a matter of responsibilities rather than rights, education rather than physical punishment. Almost uniquely among religious cultures, we are commanded to teach our children to ask questions. The highest form of parenthood is to teach a child Torah.

One fascinating tribute to the child-parent relationship in Judaism appears in Yossi Klein Halevi’s recent book on Israel, “At the Entrance to the Garden of Eden.” He quotes this comment from a Catholic nun: “I watch the Jewish families who visit here on weekends. How the parents behave toward their children, speaking to them with patience and encouraging them to ask intelligent questions. It’s an example for the whole world.

“The strength of this people is the love of parents for their children. Not just the mothers but also the fathers. A Jewish child has two mothers.”

So firmness, consistency, discipline, yes. Violence, no.

© Copyright Office of the Chief Rabbi 2001 - all rights reserved. Reproduction of this Web site, in whole or in part, in any form or medium without express written permission from the Office of the Chief Rabbi is prohibited.